Pulled Between You and Kenzo

Dear Vic,

I don’t know how to carry this ache. I miss you so much - so much that sometimes it feels stronger than anything else in my life. Stronger even than my love for Kenzo, and that terrifies me. Because I know I should love him the most, I know he needs me more than ever… yet my heart keeps reaching for you.

There are moments I find myself wishing I could just be with you, wherever you are, even if it means leaving this world. And then I think of Kenzo. Our boy. Your boy. How could I even imagine leaving him behind? What would he do without me, when you’re already gone?

It feels like my love for you and my love for him are pulling me in two directions. But maybe they’re not really separate. Maybe my grief for you is so strong because my love for you was so strong. And maybe Kenzo is the thread that ties us still together - the part of you that remains in this world with me.

Vic, if you could answer me now, I think you’d tell me to hold on. To keep loving Kenzo for both of us. To let my longing for you live on through him, instead of taking me away from him.

I’ll try. I’ll try to stay, to breathe, to keep walking forward. For Kenzo. For you. For us.

Always yours,

— N

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